No one ever tells you the whole truth about depression. They sugar coat it and let you believe that you will get better quickly. That now that you have admitted to having it you will start feeling better about yourself. All of that is the furthest thing from the truth I have ever heard. They say there are five stages to grief, I can tell you that with depression there are also five and they can be just as brutal; Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining and finally Acceptance. They don't necessarily come or go in that order. For me I believe I am in the anger and isolation stages. I hate that I have depression. I hate how it makes me feel everyday. I hate the way it makes me feel like I need to isolate myself because I am a burden. I hate how I feel like I can't fix myself. I hate feeling incapable. I hate feeling like I need to hide my depression from future employers for fear of not getting a job, or being let go from a job because of it as well. The list of things I hate about depression could go on forever. It really isn't an easy thing, it is incredibly hard. One thing I hate the most is the effect it has had on my significant other.
My significant other is in the bargaining stage. He 1000% believes my depression is his families fault and he keeps playing over and over in his head things he could have done differently to make things easier for me to maybe, just maybe, have prevented me from slipping so far into this depression. What he doesn't understand is that it would have happened anyways. Nothing at all could have prevented this. There is no way he could have changed the way his parents did things, or how they have treated the both of us. His family is the way that they are and absolutely nothing about them will change. They may act nice for a bit, but I have come to realize this is just their way of making us feel comfortable so that they can slip back to their old ways and we give them yet another chance. I myself have completely distanced myself from them and even my own family because I know things won't change. I still hope one day they will and maybe there can be a cordial relationship at least, but I absolutely in no way blame any of them completely for my depression. If I did it would eat me alive even more than it already is.
No one ever told me how hard depression is. No one told me how dark your thoughts become. How often you find yourself lying to your loved ones, doctors and coworkers. Not a single soul told me how suicidal thoughts just creep in out of no where. How you won't tell anyone about those either, all because you don't want anyone to think you aren't getting better. They don't tell you just how hard it is to even get out of bed to just shower, or how the thought of leaving the house just drains you even more. Eating, let alone cooking, becomes a nightmare. everything, everyday just feels impossible.
For me it's been over a year since my diagnosis and every day gets harder and harder. I used to joke to my family that I'd be lucky to live to be twenty-five, but I did. The only problem is now that I only exist, I don't truly live. I had a wild and crazy ride that suddenly just stopped. I went from a fun loving, carefree person to a lump under some covers on my bed. Glimmers of the person I used to be come back every once in a while, but never for long and they exhaust me. After these few hours of my old self I sleep for days. I can see where it sometimes frustrates my SO. He wants so much to see that carefree, spontaneous and driven person to come back. To see me as happy as I once was so that we can continue on with the plans we had for our future. I want so badly to be that person again, not just for me but for him as well.
I have tried a variety of different things in hopes of getting better, sometimes they work for a bit and others never work at all. I tried completely changing my diet, more exercise and time outside. Everything only seems like a temporary fix. I occasionally I find a release in writing, but it is very sporadic. I even try to volunteer and do things to help others, but I often see others struggling and it reminds me of how I am just not getting better. Everyone suggests therapy but therapy can only help someone so much. I find it really makes you think about the whole perspective. Not just one side. The encouragement is there as well with therapy but when you aren't there all the bad things come back.
We even moved semi recently to be closer to our group of friends, to pursue a new way of life. I thought being closer to some friends that we consider family would get me out of the house more. The problem with that is that was the stupidest expectation to ever have. Ultimately what happened was our friend group started to crumble. Couples started splitting up, causing tension and everyone trying so hard to not pick sides. Then there was nothing. Everyone just started to not care about anyone else. My expectations were crushed in that no one really cared and they no longer wanted to even spend time with one another. You always hope your friends will be there to pull you out of a slump, but with all the shit going on in everyone's lives it just doesn't happen. Those sorts of expectations can crush the tiniest glimmer you have of seeing a way out and turn it into more darkness.
I have tried to write this post a million times and then deleted everything. I wasn't sure if anyone would even want to read any of this. That maybe it would be too raw, too real, too hard for most people to read. Ultimately I needed to write all of this to share how hard the struggle is, to maybe hope that people can further understand depression a bit. I can't even really begin to touch on the surface of how much depression has affected my life and everyone's around me. I don't want this blog to turn into something sad, but I want it to be real and right now depression is a very very real thing for me. I hope that all of you maybe take something from this and see how much someone with depression may be struggling.
As a side note I will be back to regular posting soon. I have been struggling to edit and have things come off in a much more interesting way. I sometimes find my posts too short. I am trying to add more detail for you guys but still keep the story going at a quick pace. I have some awesome stories to share with you guys and some that may bring in some Christmas cheer, or well maybe just some laughter for you guys.