Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Ramblings

All my life I grew up knowing my parents hated me. Nothing I ever did was right. I wasn't allowed over at friends houses, I wasn't allowed to leave school property ever. I grew up isolated and alone for the most part. I dreamed everyday of leaving. Eventually books and my pets became my escape, thru books I eventually had a new dream. A dream of someone saving me. All these books talked about strong caring men or people and that's all I wanted in my life.

When I would read I could be who ever I wanted and be where ever I wanted to be. When I was reading I had friends, people who in my head I imagined actually cared about me. I was happy when I read books the world became a much better place. My parents in the other hand saw it as something different. Instead of me watching tv with them I would read and to them this meant something was wrong with me. As I got older they said I was lazy because I spent so much time reading. Never once did I miss doing my chores, caring for my animals or doing all of the other jobs they deemed to be jobs for me.

Eventually they started letting me have friends over, but once my friends realized that coming to my house meant they had to do chores they stopped coming and I became lonesome again. While all my school friends played soccer and went to camp I spent my summers push mowing the lawn, chopping wood, doing hay and fencing, and more often than not I had to help my dad with his side business cleaning up junk from people's yards and old buildings. All of my parents friends used to say they hoped they never had a boy because they already worked my little sister and I like slaves. Every other kid hated when summer ended but not me, I loved school as it meant I actually got to be a kid again. School wasn't always a safe place either but it was better than being at home. I remember once asking to go to a friends birthday party during the summer months and my mother lost it. She chased me around the property trying to hit me with the broom. She told me over and over again how she never wanted me. How she had friends who knew my birth mother and how I should go back to her as I was an ungrateful piece of shit. I was maybe nine years old at this time.

Even my aunts and uncles hated me. My mother worked at the family business and would always tell them I was a terrible child. That I did and said things I never did. One of my aunts and one of my older cousins were the only ones who didn't believe it. I was a quiet child too scared to say anything in case it was wrong, if I was wrong it often ended in me being hurt. I once innocently told my dad at the tender age of eleven that I had a boyfriend, completely innocent as all relationships are at that age, but my dad called me a whore and locked me outside in minus thirty weather in just a tshirt. All of these are just small examples of the things that happened in my childhood.

Ultimately as an adult this had followed me. I went into loveless and abusive relationships because of all of this. Until the day I realized I needed to save myself. I'm sorry I haven't been posting. The medical issues I spoke of months ago just became too overwhelming. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. My life became consumed by my diagnosis I suspected I had both but the official diagnosis floored me. It took me a long time to wrap my head around it all and I was ultimately going to stop writing out my story all together but my therapist suggested it may be a good thing for me to get it all out there, to share the crazy story she says is my life. AND to maybe, just maybe help people overcome the stigma that surrounds both anxiety and depression. I hope people are still reading and I'm sorry for staying silent for so long.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

The Little Grizzly

I stumbled out of bed and made my way to the phone. 

"Hello?"

"Hello Josie this is Glenda."

"Yes."

"I am just phoning to let you know that we have to let you go. You have failed to follow the company phone policy and because of that I am forced to let you go."

"Well That is interesting seeing as I haven't had a phone for weeks now."

"You were just using it this morning and that was the last straw."

"If I had a functioning phone don't you think we would be talking on that rather than my landlords phone?"

"I know you just have it turned off right now. You're lying to me."

"I do not need to deal with your mental abuse anymore Glenda. Have a good life."

And with that I hung up the phone and turned back to face Ed.

"So what did the witch just say to you?" Ed asked.

"She fired me."

"She isn't your boss she doesn't have that authorization. You know that right?"

"Yea I know but I don't want to work another day with a woman like that."

"I don't blame you. So you going to go look for a new job now?"

"Yea I guess I have to eh?" I slumped down into the nearest chair. I wasn't even sure where to start with a job search here. Back in Ontario I had never once interviewed for a job, people had always approached me offering me jobs or asking me to help them out for a bit during their busy seasons. 

"Well some of the Chuckwagon guys are down at the track right now. They are always looking for people and I know you had said it looked fun." 

"You know what I'll make my way down there now and see if I can find a job with one of them. I've missed working with horses."

I when to my room and changed into more barn appropriate attire and hopped in my Jeep. It was finally warm enough that I took the front roof panels off and let the wind blow my hair everywhere. I drove in the direction I thought the track was in but turns out I was wrong. I got lost a few times before I finally pulled into a gas station and asked for directions, the cashier must have thought I was crazy as who doesn't have a phone with maps on it. 

I finally made it to the track and after speaking with a lady at the front desk had the name of a man looking for help she called him The Little Grizzly. I drove to the area she said he would have his horses stalled at. I knew who he was as soon as I pulled up. 

The Little Grizzly was shorter than me, which is quite a feat, his skin looked like leather and his eyes looked mean as the devil. I wasn't sure I was making a good choice in going up to talk to him but what was the worst thing that could happen. 

"Hello. My name is Josie, The lady at the front desk said you were looking for some help." I said offering my hand for a hand shake. 

"I am but not just anyone. What sort of experience do you have?" Grizzly replied completely ignoring my out stretched hand. 

"I used to managed a horse farm before I moved out here."

"What kind of horses?"

"Quarter horses, but I have more experience with Thoroughbreds as I spent a lot of time in hunter/jumper barns."

"Okay well come down tomorrow and you can start. Seven AM, that's when my horses get fed. Frank will be here then he can show you how I like things done." Then he turned his back towards me and started walking to his truck.

"I will see you tomorrow then." 

I walked back to my Jeep and wondered what the heck I had just gotten myself into. 

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Red

Sorry everyone! I have been so busy lately I forgot to come and post! I am going to try and get back to posting more regularly. I finally have some free time coming up. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season.
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I spent a few hours being a lone wolf at the bar. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of drunk texting before I realized I needed to make my way home. I pulled out my phone and called Sarah.

"Hey, I'm drunk at BP can you and Brian come get me and my jeep?"

"Of course we can. I am not overly surprised you're drunk after the day I heard you had."

"Yeah well Kens a fucking dick. If he were on fire I wouldn't even pee on him."

"We will see you soon." Sarah laughed.

The next few weeks at work went by quickly and quietly, well quietly for a place with more drama than a high school. Glenda had taken it on herself to be mine and Sarah's new bff/boss. It was sort of terrible. Glenda laid out a bunch of new rules we had to follow and would be a bitch if we didn't think they were going to work. Then it would be like a switch flipped and she would be sickly nice to us both and try to get us to say terrible things about our coworkers. It was getting to both Sarah and I that we had both started taking to going to her house and having a bottle of wine each night just to take the edge off. Some nights there were even adventures to any of the local bars which always led to a crazy time, one particular time ended in my phone going for a swim in tequila so I was out a phone until a new one could get sent to me.

I felt myself getting caught in a downward spiral that I couldn't get out of. Weekends became taken over by work and anytime not working was taken over by drinking. I wasn't making any new friends that I could hold a intellectual conversation with. Everyone seemed to be a bar star and seemed to think that it was more than okay to do lines of coke on a regular basis. The more I surrounded myself with these people the more I drank and the more angry I felt myself becoming.

The final straw came sooner than I had thought. After a long weekend of partying I came into work to find a new employee that would be working along side Sarah and myself. I had no idea that we were looking for anyone else as we didn't need a third person at all to do what Sarah and I did. I stopped at Randi's desk to have a quick chat with her before we officially opened and before heading back to the shop and to find out what was going on with the new employee. I didn't even get a hello out before Glenda screamed at me to get to work.

"I am technically here early so unless I am getting paid overtime or getting off early today I am aloud to stop and have a quick chat Glenda."

"I don't care get to work!" Glenda screamed at me.

Randi and I both exchanged a look as she whispered "What the fuck."

I didn't say a word as I went back to start working. As I started doing things I felt myself getting mad. Glenda and the new girl, who I discovered was actually a close friend of Glenda's, just gossiped about their friends. The first three hours were spent with me doing all the work while Techs came and bitched at me about Glenda. After four or five people had come up to me as I was trying to do a two person job by myself, as Sarah wasn't in today, I finally saw red. I threw down my tools and I walked out. I told Randi on my way out I needed to cool off and I would be back tomorrow. I drove around for a while before finally heading back to the house.

"What are you doing home right now?" Ed asked me as I walked thru the door.

"I'm surprised Randi didn't text you and tell you that I had left an hour ago. Glenda got on my last nerve." I said throwing my hands in the air.

"That woman is a cunt she will get fired soon don't you worry." With that Ed went back to watching his movie.

I went to have a nap but I couldn't fall a sleep. The whole situation kept playing on my mind. I eventually got up and asked Ed if I could use the house phone and I called in to talk to the finance manager.

"Hey Josie, I tried to call you but your phone went right to voicemail. I am glad you called in."

"My phone has been broken for weeks. I guess you wouldn't know that though."

"No, but now I am not worried about you anymore. I thought something happened to you."

"I'm okay. I wanted to talk to you about what happened this morning if that is okay with you?"

"Of course, that is why I have been calling you. Glenda said you were on your phone all morning and suddenly just left."

"Are you serious? I was not. How could I be when I don't even have a phone right now? Did you talk to anyone else?"

"Yes I did. The guys in the back are telling me she yelled at you this morning before your start time and then proceeded to make you do all the work as she gossiped with Shasta. They don't know why you left though."

"I just couldn't do it anymore. Everyone treats each other like garbage, and Glenda acts so self entitled that I had to leave before I said something I would regret." I sighed.

"Understandable. You could have came and talked to me before you left though."

" I would have said all those mean things to you. I needed to calm down."

"Alrighty, well we will see you tomorrow?"

"Of course."

I hung up the phone and went to lay down again. Not even 10 minutes later Ed knocked on my door.

"Phones for you Josie."




Saturday, 19 November 2016

Settling In

The next few weeks were very uneventful. I spent the majority of my time working, even weekends as work suddenly got busy. I slowly realized over the weeks that I actually hated my job. I had never been in a situation before where I hated a job so I was trying hard to tough it out hoping that a new manger would make it better , whenever he finally started. Screaming matches in the building were such a common occurrence that I would often come home at night completely drained mentally. I knew one day soon that I would get yelled at over something stupid, I just hopped it would be a long way off. The day came sooner than I ever would have thought.


I came in to work that morning dragging my feet as always. I was honestly starting to dread coming into work. I still hadn't made any friends other than Sarah, and that for the most part just felt like it was something out of convince rather than a true friendship. I was starting to feel really down on myself as I am normally I very social person. I knew right away that something was up. There was a new person sitting behind one of the desks in the service department, and boy of boy did she ever look angry.

"Hello. My name is Ronda and I am the new customer relations manager. You must be Josie."

"Nothing gets by you eh?" My joke must have hit a nerve as immediately her face scrunched up  in distaste.

"I see they weren't lying about your sense of humor." She snapped at me.

"Well someone needs to try lighten it up around here." And with that I walked back into the shop.

I was organizing and trying to plan out my day when my phone chimed. I looked down and saw a text from Sarah.

"I'm gonna be late today, Kevin is running a fever."

I put my phone in my pocket and went about my morning. Before long it was coffee break and the saleswoman at our branch approached me and asked me to come sit with her and Ronda. I was apprehensive but figured I should try to be social and pleasant.

As we all sat down at Glenda's desk we actually had a good conversation. We talked about the upcoming meteor shower and I quickly discovered that Glenda and Ronda were old friends. Our break was going by quickly.

Just as we were finishing up my phone beeped again with another text message. I went to look at it and next thing I knew Ken our only other sales person comes fly over screaming at me to get off my phone. I saw out of the corner of my eye Ronda give Glenda a weird look.

I have this thing were when people yell at me I just block them out. I stand there and take it. I can't remember exactly what Ken said to me but I remember lots of screaming. Ronda eventually stepped in and told him to stop. When everyone as done screaming I just turned  and walked away. I went the rest of the day working solo before our finance manager came to speak with me.

"Josie, I just wanted to talk to you about what happened with Ken. I know we don't have a branch manager at the moment but I have reported his behavior to the owners. I am not sure why he went off on you while you were on your break, but it was inappropriate and I am fully expecting him to apologize to you."

"You and I both know I will never get an apology from him. He has never apologized to anyone else he has screamed at here. I don't expect it to change now. I am just going to avoid him from now on. If he needs me to do something on a unit for him from now on he can use the correct channels."

"I hope the owners find us a manager soon. Everyone has been ignoring policy and been very rude to each other over the last three weeks. It has been a terrible environment for you to have started in. I wouldn't blame you if you quit, but keep in mind everyone here but Ken really likes you and you are doing a great job."

"Thanks, well I am going to go home now. See ya later."

I got into my Jeep and drove to the Boston Pizza down the road where I had the bartender pour me a strong drink.



 



Friday, 4 November 2016

Heartbreaks


Hey guys as a heads up I am not sure if I will be posting much in the next little bit. My doctor has diagnosed me something not so great and I am having a hard time coming to terms with it. It also isn't helping that my work is making it even more difficult for me to get better by blaming me for how I am feeling. I am really trying to take some time off everything. Writing everything out has been great for me, but it has also made me relive some terrible things, that I will eventually get to in my writing I promise. I for sure won't be posting next week, but hopefully I will have some of my posts I already have written edited and ready to go for the following week. I hope you all have a great weekend! 

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The night ended uneventfully, well if Cary leaving with Les is uneventful. Our truck ride home was very quiet too. I had a lot of time to think and thinking was never a good thing for me. I started reflecting on the last year and a half. 

The day after Jeremy and I had broken up was hard. I went into work and tried to act like everything was normal. When the barn phone rang I was tempted to not answer, but I knew then my boss would know something was wrong. 

"Good Morning Josie."

"Morning Charles, what do I owe the phone call."

" I saw you were down there early today. Just checking in."

"The roads were great so I got here quicker than I thought."

"Okay. Well have a good day!"

With that I decided to stop doing office duties and work one of the horses.Working with the horses always kept me grounded. Their smell, easy breathing and willingness always brought me such joy. Just as I was slipping a bridle onto Tea I heard the barn door creak open and in walked Charles.

"Okay Josie you can't lie to me, something is up. You were here early, and you have all the stalls done already and your going for a ride. What is going on?"

"It's nothing, I just have more energy than usual." I sighed as I walked Tea towards the arena.

"It has to do with Jeremy doesn't it?"

"It may but I am not ready to talk about it."

"You guys broke up again didn't you? I'm sure in a day or two he will come crawling back as always."

"I don't think so this time Charles. It feels a little more permanent this time."

"Well if that's the case maybe now when your  mom comes back from visiting your sister you will finally take me up on the offer to live here in the barn. I know a big part of you turning it down before was because you didn't want to live further away from Jeremy. "

"You know what I should. Maybe moving up here would be better for me. Plus I can ride the girls more. Once my mom is back in a couple months I'll move up here."

"I'll find a contractor to renovate the loft for you. But chin up I know you'll be okay."

I put my foot in the stirrup and swung my leg over Teas back  and started putting her thru her paces. After an hour I looked over to see Charles had Maxim saddled up. 

"You want me to ride her next? Because if so you'll have to swap saddles out."

"Lets go for a trail ride, It has been far to long since I have been in the saddle."

"Alright then."

I could help but think I was so lucky to have a boss that genuinely cared about me and even saw me as an extended family member. Soon it was time for me to go to my other job. I went and used the shower in the loft to get rid of the horse smell and changed into business clothes.

As I walked in I hear my name being screamed from across the store.

"Jos! Jos!" Sasha screamed. " I am so sorry, I heard what happened already. If you need anything just let me know."

"How did the news even get out?"

"Come on Jos, we live in a tiny ass town and we all went to school together. News like this travels faster than anyone wants it to." 

"I guess so. Let's just pretend everything is fine okay?"

"Okay! But I'm just saying you were too good for that jackass anyways."



It was from that moment on I had to start pretending I was okay. Tonight was a night that made it hard to pretend. Seeing anothers relationship spiraling downward triggered a memory that I was sure was going to lead to more dreams. 


Once I got home I walked thru the door and found my other bottle of whiskey. I made myself another drink and went to bed. I needed to make sure there were no dreams tonight. 



Thursday, 27 October 2016

Cheater Cheater

The drive to Hatters was filled with Sarah and Carly talking excitedly. I started getting a bad vibe from Carly as every so often she would give me dirty looks when she knew Sarah wasn't paying attention. I didn't think too much of it. I always seem to find someone everywhere I go that hates me before even talking to me. It actually is sort of sad that something like that has become acceptable in our society, although I tend to go with my gut feeling about people. Everything I just witnessed and everything in my gut was screaming that she wasn't a nice person.

Finally we arrived at the bar. I couldn't have been happier. I really needed another drink to be able to make it thru the rest of this night. We made our way in and checked our coats, I  then made a beeline to the bar.

"You look like you could use something strong." The bartender said to me.


"Is it that obvious? If so give me a double rye and coke please. Oh and a shot of tequila."

"Oh man it's even rougher than I thought. Coming right up." He laughed.

I looked around while I was waiting to see that Sarah, Carly and Brian had managed to snag a table. Sarah was looking around, for me I was assuming, but I am very good at blending in at the bar. The bartender finally put my shot and drink in front of me. I grabbed the shot and downed it before he could even get the lime and salt ready for me.

"Thanks. Keep your lime for someone else." I said as I grabbed my rye and I paid him.

"Holy shit!" He stammered. "You sure?"

"Yea I'm sure." I laughed as I walked off.

"There you are!" Sarah shouted at me. "Well I guess by that drink in your hand I know where you were."

"Yea I needed another drink stat." I laughed. I was finally starting to feel my whiskey.

"Any one up for some shots?"Carly asked.

"Of course!" Sarah and I both said at the same time.

"Tequila?" I suggested.

"NO! What about some pornstars?" Sarah suggested.

"You guys get those, but I'll get tequila."

The waitress came and took our orders. I got myself another rye and coke as I knew I would need another to put up with Carly and Sarah right now.  It didn't take long before the drinks and shots were placed in front of us.

"Happy Birthday Carly" Sarah shouted over the music as we clinked our shot glasses and downed them.

"Josie, how can you drink that shit?" Sarah asked me.

"It's good." I laughed. "You just need to learn to go hard with the go hards."

"I'll just stick to my vodka. I can't gain anymore weight."

I didn't even know what to say, luckily Carly distracted her with some meaningless small talk. I settled myself into my chair and started people creeping. Sarah and Carly eventually went off to dance, but I wasn't feeling it so I sat at the table with Brian and watched the people as they came and went from the bar. Soon after deciding they were going dancing Sarah and Carly came back to the table.

"Lets go to Crossroads. Carly wants to meet up with Les." With that we collected our things paid our bills and headed off to the next bar.

Crossroads was definitely my kind of place. There was country music and a very rustic feel to the place. Country bars always make me happy, they are always a whiskey drinkin' hell raisin' good time. One thing I noticed right away was that everyone was two-stepping. This was not something that they did back home. In Ontario you see a lot of foot stomping over two-stepping.


We all made our way to the bar, together this time. I ordered my rye and coke but no shot this time. I figured I should slow down a little, I was sure the bottle of whiskey I had already drank was going to catch up to me soon. We made our way around, which was difficult to do as this place was packed. We finally found an area along the dance floor that seemed to be a decent place for us all to stop. Pretty much as soon as we stopped a guy who I assumed was Les came over to our group. Without even saying anything he took Carly away to go dance.

"Josie, do you know how to two-step?" Sarah asked me.

"Nope, only the older people back home dance like this." I said as I stirred the ice that was left in my cup.

"Well here let me teach you!"

It turns out that learning to two-step is easy and surprisingly is really fun! Before I knew it Brian came over and went off dancing with Sarah and some random guy started dancing with me. I never actually got the guys name but he taught me spins and a little bit of fancy footwork. I was having a blast! The dance floor started getting crammed as more and more people made their way to it. We had to start being more careful and watching out for the other dancers. Eventually the nameless guy asked me if I wanted a drink. In general I never do say no, so again I found myself making my way to the bar. I managed to get the same bartender so I didn't even need to tell him what to make me.


"What is it he is making you?" Nameless asked.

"Double rye and coke."

"Damn, well I guess I'll have the same."

He went to pull out money to pay for both but I gave money for mine to the bar tender.

"Hey now let me pay." Nameless said.

"Naw if you don't mind I'll just buy my own."

"Alrighty then."

Nameless tried to make conversation with me, but in all honesty it was so boring I found myself people creeping. Most of the conversation seemed to flow around how much money he makes, which I found extremely conceited. Finally Sarah and Brian came up to me and I had an excuse to get out of the conversation.

"Josie, come to the bathroom with me." Sarah said as she was already walking that way.

"Sure I guess."

"So Carly said to me that you were shit talking her to Jason."

"Who the fuck is Jason?" I asked, I figured he was the boyfriend but I needed to make sure.

"Carly's boyfriend. She said she over heard you guys talking shit about her."

"Oh god. I should have never talked to him. I honestly didn't even listen to half of what he said he was rambling on and on. He started complaining about his relationship, which made me really uncomfortable and I kept saying to him 'You can't help who you love'  . He wouldn't stop talking." I explained as I leaned against the sink.

"Is that why you looked so uncomfortable?"

"Well yea."

"I'm not overly surprised. He does that to everyone, and he is always complaining about his relationship with her. I think Carly is getting ready to leave him. But as of right now she hates you because she thinks you were the one shit talking."

"Well if she wants to think that, then go ahead. It doesn't hurt my feelings any." I started walking out the door to go back to get another drink. I desperately needed one now.

As we walked out I stopped dead in my tracks and looked back at Sarah. Right in front of us was Carly, with her tongue shoved all the way down Les' throat.

"Well, I guess you were right about her wanting to break things off." I said and walked directly to the bar for another round.


Monday, 24 October 2016

How to Party in the Oilfield

I took my time getting ready, I wasn't sure what exactly I should wear. My research on the bar we were going to told me it was more of a live music type place, and to be honest I've always been a t shirt and jeans kind of girl. I finally settled on the only fancy tank top I owned and jeans, which if we are being honest the top came from Garage so really it wasn't fancy at all.

Doing my hair and makeup was a whole other feat. I'm not the type of person that usually wears make up, I also have naturally curly hair so it only gets brushed right before I wash it or before I straighten it. Tonight I decided to straighten my hair and I attempted to do a smokey eye. I am honestly the worst when it comes to makeup. My parents had always wanted a boy and I was supposed to be one so I was raised to be as such. It wasn't until last year for my birthday I had suddenly decided I wanted to learn. I had the lady at Shoppers teach me how to do my make up and pick out everything for me. I am still a total and complete fail at doing it but at least I'm trying!

After hours of getting ready and poking myself in the eye a dozen times I was finally ready just in time for Sarah and her boyfriend to barge in and drag me out. I guess I should mention Sarah's boyfriend is my roommates grandson, so them just coming over was a normal thing I guess. We walked out and I immediately knew Brian was part of the small dick club. His truck was lifted so high I needed a boost to get in. I knew of some people who had mud trucks this high, but not their daily driver. Luckily I had my phone to look at and was able to pretend I was laughing at something on there rather than the truck, but I think Sarah knew the smirk on her face sort of gave it away.

We didn't talk on the drive to Sarah's friends house, the loud blaring country music made it impossible to. When we pulled up to the house it wasn't what I was expecting. Carly's house was a trailer on the tiniest lot I had ever seen. The street was lined with more small penis club trucks and spots cars.

"Are all these people here for Carly's birthday?" I asked in shock.

"They sure are! You better have your party pants on tonight Josie!" Sarah yelled at me. She was already buzzin' pretty good.

As we walking into the house I was in for yet another shock. Inside was a haze of smoke. The smoke a mixture of cigarettes and weed. I took a quick look around and saw what I assumed was cocaine on the coffee table and someone smoking while they breast fed a small baby. I could not believe what I had just walked into. I was immediately introduced to people who's names I forgot instantly. My shock was just too overwhelming. I should have just gone home but I honestly didn't know how to get home or what my address was for a cab to come get me, so I was stuck. I sat down in the chair furthest from everything and started drinking my whiskey straight out of the bottle. I needed to get really drunk to be able to handle this mess.

After a while of sitting there by myself a guy in a wheel chair came up to me and started talking to me. He was so incoherent it took me a while to figure out exactly what he was saying.

"Yes I just moved here." I tried to keep my answer to his question short in hopes of him leaving me alone.

"How do you like it?" He slurred

"Fine."

"I'm Carly's boyfriend, I'm not normally in a wheel chair but I broke both heels."

Apparently that was all he needed to start rambling about how exactly he hurt himself. I honestly didn't even listen. All I wanted to do was get drunk and go home. As he rambled on I started people watching. The more I watched the more stunned I became. I witnessed the breast feeding woman smoking more pot, doing shots and lines of what I had now concluded was for sure cocaine. I had never imagined myself at a place like this. I knew people did these sort of things but I wanted to believe so badly that it never ever did. I eventually realized that Carly's boyfriend was asking me a question that required an answer.

"Sorry can you repeat that. I got a little bit lost in thought."

"It's okay it wasn't important anyways. I am used to people not listening to me. Sometimes I don't think Carly even listens to me most days, but I love her you know."

From there he proceeded to tell me all the terrible details of his relationship with Carly. This was by far the most awkward situation I had found myself in. I was trying to find any possible way to get out of it. I took a terrible route and every time there was a break in the conversation where I was expected to say something all I could say is "You can't help who you love." Eventually Sarah must have noticed how uncomfortable I was feeling and told me we were going to the bar now. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Turns out there was only four of us going out.


 I watched as the lady with the baby hopped into a truck with her very high and drunk boyfriend so that they could go home to put their baby to bed. I should have done something to stop it but never in my life had I been in this situation, I felt like I was in a terrible terrible nightmare. Everyone was acting as if this was normal behavior, but in reality it was absolutely horrendous. I took another swig of my whiskey to realize I was out, going to the bar had come at the best possible time.